Suffering

I have some experience (9 years) teaching the belief systems of Hinduism, Buddhism, and samsara, the cycle of rebirth.  Most Indians believe that all beings are born again as a new soul. Life is suffering, so the goal is to end the suffering by exiting the life cycle and reaching nirvana, or its Hindu equivalent, Moksha.  In Hinduism, a soul travels from caste to caste (different social level to different social level), throughout several lifetimes, in order to become a good enough person to exit the cycle of rebirth, and achieve Moksha, a state of being with no more suffering.  I know that many people suffer more than me on a daily basis. I have enough money to lessen my suffering whenever I need to. However, recently life has become too much suffering for me to bare. I take a million steroid and oral chemotherapy pills in the morning, and I spend the rest of the day feeling nauseous with pain in my head and in my right leg, because I haven’t moved around enough; just laid uncomfortably on the couch or in bed till it was time for me to take more pills, or put something in my mouth.

While examining my PET, CAT, and MRI results more closely, the doctors found a layer of tumors in my meninges, that is causing much of the dizziness, the head shaking, the involuntary head bobbing, the 9hloss of memory, and much reduced fine motor skills like handwriting and grasping onto words from foreign languages. The tumors have been there for over a year so they are quite large now. Don’t worry, I had to look up meninges too, and I learned it is a tiny layer of liquid between the skull and the brain. The doctors didn’t see it because they were focused on other, scarier-looking, brain tumors. (of which I have many!) My mom is back down in Santiago, and my dad soon to follow. Hopefully my sister can come soon but she just received a big promotion at work so now is not the best time for her to travel. But I know she will find a way because “A sister is love you never outgrow.”

If you’re already sad, I recommend not reading this post. It’s going to continue to be about sadness and pain and misery. I’m sorry for the need to reach for tissues, but for almost five years now I’ve dealt with my disease by being strong and positive. So please forgive me, as I wipe away the tears as I write this. Sandi, Jon’s mom, has been here taking care of me the past week or so. I really can’t do much by myself so I’m glad she’s here. And I’m sure it’s a relief for Jon who was working full time as well as addressing my needs and taking time off his job to take me to my various appointments. He has been such a wonderful and amazing h

The thing that’s making me the saddest is, I don’t know how to say goodbye…Even though I may look happy in my Facebook photos, I am deeply sad and scared.  To all my friends and family who are going to continue their life journey without me: I love you and I will always be there beside you as you go through life’s big adventures. How do you say goodbye to people who have stuck by you through thick and thin, and made so many sacrifices to be by your side? How do you say goodbye to people who are separately looking for a miracle and want you to live in order to fulfill something deep within their soul? How do you tell your innocent doggie-doos that mommy won’t be feeding them dinner any more? Most of all There’s no proper way to explain to people how a thirty five year old has to be pushed around in a wheelchair, and needs a walker to get around so she doesn’t fall down and hurt herself. But such is my life. With the help of my therapist I will find a way out of my suffering on this planet, so my soul can find release from this cycle of rebirth.