Being that this is Thanksgiving, I suppose this entry should be a list of all the many things that I am thankful for. However, I´ve already written that blog; and frankly, thankful is not really how I feel at the moment. Well, that´s not entirely true: of course I am thankful to have wonderful family and friends who have been nothing but supportive, but I hope you will forgive me if I´m not entirely in the holiday spirit this year… Something about turkeys and football games, Christmas carols, presents under the tree and pictures with Santa all just make me feel sick to my stomach. Or maybe that´s just the nausea speaking… (I´ve been down and out pretty much the whole day thanks to a slice of pizza last night. ) I´m sorry to be such a grinch, but I just really can´t fake the enthusiasm this year. I tried, for Jon´s sake, but I´m having a hard time following through with the yuletide cheer. Yesterday Jon and I purchased our first Christmas tree in four years. Sadly, it is fake, as it is downright impossible to find evergreens here in Chile. I vowed never to buy a fake tree, but I guess you should never say never. In addition to the “Made in Thailand” tree, we also purchased a large rotating fan so that we wouldn´t have to sweat while putting up the lights and ornaments.
Maybe the lack of holiday spirit comes from the fact that summer is starting here in the Southern hemisphere. It´s kind of hard to get jazzed about snowmen and chestnuts roasting on an open fire when I´d much rather sit by a pool with the barbeque blazing. But even that image makes me sad, as I don´t think I´ll be doing much tanning this summer… probably not good for my skin. Since my mom left I have had far too much alone time in my house to sit and ponder my current situation. As a result I am having a harder time smiling and putting on my “everything´s fine” face, because let´s face it…. everything isn´t really fine. It´s so far from fine, that most days I feel like I´m living in a dream, hoping that I will one day wake up and be the old Eli again.
But mostly, I am not excited about the holidays, because I won´t be able to be with my family. They´ve only been gone a few days, but I already miss them tremendously. When I moved abroad five years ago, I knew that I would have to make certain sacrifices. Lonely Thanksgivings and Christmases are definitely two such sacrifices. In the past I didn´t really mind being without my family because usually it meant that I was traveling on some grand adventure to Australia or Peru, but again… that isn´t really in the cards this year. But, I think that´s enough negativity for one day. A friend of mine who had cancer when she was just 17 told me that her mother allowed her ten minutes to feel sorry for herself each day, and that then she had to snap out of it and get on with life. I think that is entirely reasonable, given the circumstances. Consider this my ten minutes…
In order to end this post on a positive note and “snap out of it” if you will, I wanted to add that simply putting my true feelings down in writing has made me feel so much better. To conclude, I would have to say that this Thanksgiving I am very thankful for this blog and for the supportive Team Eli community who reads it. I don´t know what I would do without you all. I am also looking forward to our Gracías Giving feast this Saturday at Renea´s house, where we celebrate the holidays with all of our Nido Two-bie pals. I´m sure that will help to improve my mood and hopefully put me in the holiday spirit once again. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!